Navigating divorce is never easy and can present many obstacles and challenges, and it is commonly felt that the hardest thing to face is telling your children about it. Informing children that their parents are separating is a life-changing moment in any child’s life regardless of what age they are. It is therefore important that you plan for this moment with your ex-partner and consider how the key messages need to be delivered, with the objective of minimising the fallout, maintaining a stable homelife and providing a positive message for the future.

At Ison Harrison, we support an approach to separation that places children and their wellbeing at the centre of every decision. As members of Resolution, we promote calm, constructive discussions and encourage parents to work together rather than in conflict. During Good Divorce Week, we are highlighting the importance of clear communication, cooperation and emotional awareness, to enable families to navigate separation in a way that minimises stress and helps maintain a stable and positive environment for their children.

The general principles of communication

Parents separating and or planning for divorce can spark a mixture of emotions for a child, and this can change depending on their age. They can feel sadness, confusion, anger, fear, grief and guilt. It is important that their parents present a united front when informing children about a separation and or divorce, because it demonstrates that the breakdown of the relationship doesn’t change the commitment to parenting and children are more likely to react better to the news if they can see co-operation.

The other important factor with communication is timing. This is not the type of news a child needs to hear at a key point of the day such as before school, before bedtime or before an important event such as exams or a school competition or match. Choose a calm, neutral and open-ended time where there is an opportunity to talk about the issue properly. Children can be very perceptive and they may pick up on tensions and conflict, so don’t put off telling them even though it is a very difficult conversation to have.

Talking to different age groups

Every child is different, and every domestic situation is unique, but children do show general characteristics at different ages that you can prepare for. Here we have split children into three key age groups and have some suggestions as to how you could explain the situation to them, how you could expect them to react and how you could deal with the fallout to support your children.

  • Children under seven

Of course, babies and toddlers have total dependence on you as parents and won’t be able to understand the complexities of marriage and divorce, they are most likely to mirror your feelings and stay calm if you are calm, or be upset if you are upset. Slightly older children are beginning to show independence of thought but may not understand emotions or what causes people to be upset. Very young child do not necessarily appreciate time or have the ability to think towards the future, and essentially their world is very small and effectively revolves around themselves.

Whilst older children under seven can think about their feelings, they may only have a very limited ability to talk about them. Keeping the message very simple is the best approach here. You may experience signs of distress in children this young, and this can be represented by fear which is expressed through being anxious, or sometimes by not listening to instructions. You should support your children by maintaining their routines to show that nothing has changed, be extra reassuring and offer plenty of hugs and cuddles, and where certain arrangements have to change, make this simple, light-hearted and play down its importance.

  • Children aged eight to twelve

At this age children are developing a better ability to think and talk about their feelings and will be much more perceptive. They are much more aware of relationships, and will have developed some of their own, with friends, other relatives and teachers at school. However, their world view at this age is still very black and white, meaning they could be very quick to blame one partner and side with the other. And because they are becoming more observant watching how you conduct yourself and what messages you project, they will likely pick up on it. Avoid blame, judgement and criticism of your ex-partner because that could influence how the child feels about their parents and themselves. Remember children see themselves as half of each of you, this can present conflicting emotions including anxiety and guilt.

Older children are more likely to ask lots of questions and are seeking reassurance with the answers and to make sense of the situation, or more likely, their own circumstances. They can still show distress, fear, anxiety, anger and sadness. It is important to maintain a simple message about divorce and separation, but to reassure the child that it is an adult decision and nothing to do with anything the child has done. You should also reassure them that their parents still love them in the same way and, if you can, you should explain who will be living where and that the child will still see both parents.

  • Teenagers

Although maturity levels in teenagers can vary quite dramatically, they do still have a better capacity for understanding emotions, relationships and how separation and or divorce can occur. They also have a better ability to take part in conversations and ask more questions. Teenagers are forming much more independence and, in some cases, might be looking for an excuse to question parental authority and where they want to live. This could potentially result in an unstable situation. At this age, the teenager’s relationships outside the home are often more important to them, so they might be dismissive about the divorce and won’t want to admit they are upset by it, in other words, as parents you might not see or understand their true feelings.

Teenagers can be irritable and can get angry, their emotions are more intense and there could be more conflict because of your news, and while they might feel torn between each parent they may direct anger at only one parent. They may see this as you messing up their life. On the other hand, more mature teenagers may show concern and empathy, particularly towards one parent. They may worry about your wellbeing and become more attached. Teenagers can display sullenness, isolation, anger and even not eating. Explaining divorce to a teenager should involve a demonstration that both parents are still committed to supporting them and that you respect and value their feelings. Give them plenty of opportunity to explain how they feel and ask questions about what will happen.

Working together as co-parents

It is essential that both parents stay united and be honest and transparent when talking about divorce to children. However the messaging has to be age appropriate. The main message is that your children are still loved equally by both parents and where possible you should explain as early as you can what will change. This may include living arrangements, but where appropriate that the child should have input into what they want to happen. Reassure the child that this separation is not their fault and that lots of important things like school and friends won’t change. Maintaining structure and routine is essential.

Getting support with navigating divorce

If you need guidance, advice and support with talking about divorce with your children, our Family Law Team has a wealth of experience in how to maintain a stable and happy home even in these difficult circumstances, so get in touch today.

Call us on 0113 284 5000 or email family@isonharrison.co.uk.