What is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse and domestic abuse and can be a destructive stage of a relationship breakdown. It is sometimes known as the ‘silent treatment’ but can also be more complex than that. Stonewalling is where a perpetrator becomes a figurative ‘stone wall’ and refuses to communicate or cooperate with their partner, and therefore becomes withdrawn and distant. It is very common in conflict situations and is an indicator that an everyday relationship has completely broken down.

What is the Impact of Stonewalling on A Marriage?

  • Stonewalling can be very frustrating for a partner to live with and to navigate.
  • It often occurs when the innocent partner is being open and willing to resolve an issue, and is offering positive and progressive solutions, but is being immediately and repeatedly shut down by the other partner who is refusing to engage.
  • Stonewalling can build-up further resentment in situations where it clearly already exists.
  • Where one partner is stonewalling the other partner, they are refusing to express their concerns, which can lead to confusion in the innocent partner and them not knowing what they have done wrong. This can lead to them losing confidence, self-esteem and trust. In this sense, stonewalling can also be considered a form of gaslighting, because it makes the recipient question their judgements and feelings.
  • Stonewalling is not just being silent but can also manifest itself in someone being dismissive and obstructive to everything and refusing to cooperate or be constructive.

Why Does A Person Engage in Stonewalling?

The reasons why someone would stonewall a partner can be varied and complex and could lead from a historic family behavioural trait. It is therefore important to understand that stonewalling can be both unintentional and intentional.

Reasons for unintentional stonewalling

  • A person has no emotional ability to express their feelings.
  • A person is confused about their feelings and therefore can’t express them.
  • A person wants to avoid conflict and confrontation, so puts up a stone wall instead.

Reasons for intentional stonewalling

  • A person is punishing their partner for an incident or a perceived incident.
  • A person is exhibiting controlling behaviour and wants to cut communication and manipulate a situation to exert power over their partner.
  • A person is exhibiting a form of narcissistic behaviour and believes a situation doesn’t merit them needing to discuss it, and instead they are belittling their partner by refusing to communicate.

Clearly, intentional stonewalling is a very destructive trait in a marriage, but both forms of stonewalling can be damaging and can lead to a breakdown in trust and a toxic imbalance in power in a relationship.

How to Deal With Stonewalling Behaviour in A Relationship

Stonewalling is often a sign of stalemate and the final straw in attempting to resolve relationship issues. It is rarely a positive sign, even when one partner is wanting to make changes and resolve an issue. It can feel hopeless to be stuck in this situation, but there are positive steps you can make:

  • Specialist legal support – Contact a specialist family law solicitors straight away, who can help you identify signs of abusive behaviour and advise and support you with understanding your rights and how you should attempt to resolve the issue.
  • Professional support – If your health and wellbeing is being affected you should seek support from counsellors, therapists and support groups.
  • Mediation – Mediation is an alternative way of resolving marital disputes, with a mediator offering an independent viewpoint and encouraging discussion. However this may be challenging in situations where one partner is exhibiting abusive behaviour and is not always appropriate.
  • Evidence – Keep a record of incidents where stonewalling has occurred, and particularly where this leads to other forms of emotional or domestic abuse.

Support with Stonewalling From Professional Family Law Solicitors

At Ison Harrison we have a team of trusted, reliable and empathetic family law solicitors, who have experience of dealing with cases of stonewalling and its impacts. We can help you recognise the signs, seek professional support and plot a path towards a suitable solution for you and your family, so contact our team today.